22, Sept 2018
I have now lived an entire week of my life in Berlin.
That is the most amount of time I have ever been outside the familiarity and security of my home and my home country.
The moment I walked out of Tegel airport I knew things had changed forever. Actually, now that I think about it, was it earlier than that ?
Yes, it was definitely way earlier that that, when exactly I could not tell you. Maybe when I first found out I got into the university, maybe when I booked my plane ticket, or maybe when I said good bye to my family at the massive gates of Chhatrapati Shivaji international.
I thought I would be scared, in fact, I know I was definitely nervous about being scared before I got here.
But, I am not.
For some reason fear eludes me. I cannot put my finger on what it is exactly that has transformed this nervous wreck into a passable pretend Berliner. Maybe my need to fit in, or the instant connection I felt with the city, I do not know. But whatever it is, it wakes me up in the morning and keeps me going. I can honestly go on for hours about the wonders of this amazing city but that would have to be on another day. Today I wanted to look in, feel everything and try to make sense of those feelings. I try as much as I could to avoid doing this cause it sends me down a spiral that I really don’t want to go down, but if I don’t do this at least once in a while I feel like I won’t remember any of this.
It is funny how much life changes its shape, its meaning and its very reason as you flow through it. If some one had told me a year ago that today I would be in Berlin, I would not have believed them. But thats the thing, a year before that I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do next. Every option was an option for me then. And as freeing as that sounds, it is in fact quite frightening, I cannot live like this and I barely did back then. And a couple years before that I spent most of my time thinking to myself ‘what the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.’
Do I belong here ?
Time will tell.
I hope I do.